~Secret~ Pregnancy Post: 4 Weeks

If you’re reading this, it means we have officially heard Baby D’s heartbeat! Kyle and I both agreed we wanted to wait until hearing that beautiful little sound before sharing the news with everyone. I’m going to be making a post every two weeks or so. I want to document my pregnancy, not only for myself, but for our friends and family that are far away. Although I’m writing each post as I hit each milestone, I won’t be sharing the posts until after we have heard our baby’s heartbeat. I’ll share how I’ve been feeling, any baby updates, and maybe baby bump shots.

I’m officially 4 weeks pregnant! I’m starting to feel some of the same symptoms I had before – fatigue, tenderness in my chest, and some occasional (very) mild nausea. I haven’t had any cramping or spotting yet. No cravings or food aversions. I’ve scheduled my first doctor’s appointment. The waiting is KILLING me. I take a new dollar store/cheapie test every morning to make sure that second pink line still shows up. I’m so excited, but also absolutely terrified. I really hope this little baby decides to stick around. The fear of having another pregnancy end in miscarriage is very real for me. We had no warning the last time. We went in to hear a heartbeat and there simply wasn’t one. I hadn’t had any spotting or cramping at all. All the symptoms I had been experiencing were still present. Our baby had just stopped growing for reasons we will never know.

We had been trying for another baby since our miscarriage in August. With each passing month, I grew more and more discouraged. Ever since I can remember, not being able to have children has been a huge concern of mine. I used to have nightmares before I even met Kyle about finding out I would never be a mother. I had all but given up any hope of getting pregnant before Kyle’s deployment.

I took a test on April 11th, only to get a negative. On the phone with Kyle that night, I was bitter and angry. I cried a lot and eventually fell asleep. I hadn’t even missed my period yet, so I’m not sure what possessed me to take that test. I still wasn’t due to get my period for another three days. For some reason, I took another test the next morning. Much to my surprise, the faintest of faint pink lines appeared. I obsessed over it all day, searching the internet for any information I could find. Was it an evaporation line? Was an evaporation line possible with pink dye? How common are false negatives? I went to the store and bought more tests, including a digital one. I decided to take another FRER (First Response Early Response) in the morning. If that showed two pink lines, I would take a digital to confirm.

The next morning, I sat on my bathroom floor with shaking hands and two very positive tests in front of me. There was no denying the digital ‘Pregnant, 1-2 weeks’. I still hadn’t missed my period. It was due the next day. I wanted medical professionals to confirm that I was actually pregnant and not just crazy. I called base medical and went in for a test. Of course it came back negative; it was way too early. They reassured me, saying that the tests that they have are actually less sensitive than the ones available to take at home. They told me to come back in a week. I video chatted Kyle that night. I had every intention of making a sickeningly sweet care package announcing that we were pregnant and sending it to him. However, we all know that there is no way I could wait that long to share the news. When he asked me what I did that day, I held up the positive digital test and said, “Well, I peed on this…”…and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I told my husband he was going to be a father. Bravo, Amanda. We both agreed to keep the news quiet until we had heard a heartbeat.

I haven’t gone back in to have another test run yet. My daily tests are still coming up positive for now. I’ll go in on Wednesday. Until then, I’ll obsess over every tiny sensation and symptom. I’ll say a lot of prayers. I’ll take prenatals and eat as healthy as I can. I won’t feel guilty about napping often and sleeping in. I’ll go for walks with Milo and soak up the California sun. Our baby is only the size of a tomato seed, but he or she has my whole heart.

Hang in there, little tiny baby. We can’t wait to meet you!

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